That's So Gay

Recently my youngest sister has adopted a habit I find both annoying and offensive. I don’t know where she got it from, or why she thinks it’s ok to say this, but she’s started saying, “That’s so gay” whenever she thinks something is dumb or annoys her. Not only does this bother me on a personal level, I wonder how it will affect her as a manager at her job if she is heard saying this. Even though she is my sister, I think language like this should be seen as potential harassment and at the very, very least, certainly inappropriate at any level in the workplace!

Now, I’ll be honest, this wasn’t always a saying that bothered me. In (a deeply embarrassing) fact, there was a time, before I learned to think for myself, that I was very vocally homophobic. (For those of you who know the area, picture me saying repeatedly and loudly, while at a public parade in New Hope, Pa, “There’s no hope for New Hope” and other obnoxious slurs.) However, somewhere around high school, perhaps when I began to admit, at least to myself, that I was either confused or ambiguous about my sexuality, I began to question and challenge homophobic statements.

Now, also in all fairness, I have not always stood up to people who arrogantly, ignorantly or hurtfully hurl anti-gay statements, but with my sisters, I feel I must establish a firm line here. I feel this way for three primary reasons, 1) They know, although don’t really accept, that I am equally attracted to men and women and therefore feel these kinds of statements are a direct insult to me as well as to humanity; because it is never ok to put down one group of people in order to feel better about one’s self, or for any other reason. 2) My entire family knows I made a vow, many years ago, in my single days, to not get married until all people could get married. (I confess, I have amended that statement to currently mean all American citizens and I have inserted a medical clause in there in case either myself or my partner should need medical treatment which we are only able to afford by getting married and being added onto the other person’s health insurance policy). I didn’t make this vow to be cool or start a trend or emblazon my views upon my chest. Instead, I made this vow because once I decided I could spend my life with a man, a woman, both, either, neither or someone who claims to be gender neutral, I couldn’t stop myself from seeing marriage as an federally regulated institution which alienated me. And 3) Because once my sisters started having children, it became an imperative for me to be at least one voice (and hopefully not the only voice) to tell my nephews that it is perfectly acceptable to love and date and marry or not marry whomever they choose.

Before anyone freaks out, if you haven’t already, I made sure to check with both of my sisters when their kids were still infants and get their permission to talk to their kids about how we feel it is ok to be gay or to love anyone you want. My little sister’s recent inappropriate comment aside, both of my sisters said it was fine with them if I had these conversations with their kids, but they wanted to be the ones to have “the sex talks”.

When, in a recent phone call with my youngest sister, I heard her say, “That’s so gay.” I cleared my throat and replied, “Excuse me, what did you say?” At the same time her eldest son overheard her expression and loudly enough that I could also hear him, objected to what she just said. In my opinion, my sister proceeded to cover her ass by exclaiming, “What? It could also mean happy!”

I didn’t buy it and neither did her son (who had probably never heard the word used that way before). My sister, in an almost combative manner, challenged her son to get a dictionary and see who was right about the meaning of the word “gay”. According to the CHILDREN”S dictionary she used, she was right. The book said it meant “happy”.

Lest she get too triumphant about her “victory”, I told her that while the CHILDREN’S dictionary she used might say that the word means happy, I still sided with her son that she used the word inappropriately. I also told her I was offended that she used that term the way she did. In fairness to my sister, she told her son what I said, word for word and he even more vocally voiced his gratitude to me, as well as to himself for also being right.

Later that same day, my partner and I were headed to my youngest sister’s house to pick up her four kids (ranging in age from just over 1 year to 8 years old) for a mini-family reunion at one of my aunt’s homes. My sister was unable to attend because she had to work and my partner and I were going anyway so we figured it was no big deal to bring along a baby and three slightly older kids…good thing my little sister let us use her minivan or we never would have all fit in my little Scion xD!

Before we left to pick up the kids, I replayed the conversation my sister, myself and her eldest son had on the phone, to my partner. I told him that it was very important to me that we make sure to discuss the many different meanings of the word “gay” with the kids and to reiterate how we feel about the rights of all people to love whomever they please. I asked my partner if he was comfortable having this conversation with the kids during the hour or so car ride to my aunt’s, and to my surprise, he was very willing to talk this over with the kids.

Naturally, since we don’t have kids, it took longer than I thought it would to corral all of them into the minivan and be on our merry way (already late for the reunion!). One of the first things I said to the oldest boy, who was seated next to the baby, as well as to the other two kids in the way back of the van, was that while their mommy was right that the word “gay” can, and probably was originally used to mean happy, that isn’t how it is usually used today. I asked my eight year old nephew what he thought the word gay means now. He fumbled his way through an explanation about a boy loving a boy or a girl loving a girl. I told him that he was right and I asked him if he thought people usually said the word “gay” as a positive or negative word. He told us that in school people seemed to use it as a negative word. He went on to say, with an upset look on his face, that one of the kids on his bus calls him gay. This surprised me as he had never told me this before and I made a mental note to tell this to my sister.

Both my partner and I told him, and all of the kids, that it is perfectly fine for them, or anyone, to love boys or girls or both at any time in their lives. Both the oldest and second youngest immediately chimed in that they had girlfriends (at 5 and 8 years old!) and I said that was fine but if they ever changed their minds and liked boys or girls or both or no one, that was fine too.

Since the two kids in the far back of the van seemed more interested in their handheld videogames than this conversation, I asked the eldest how it made him feel when someone called him gay. He said he didn’t like it, that it hurt his feelings. I said I could understand why it would hurt his feelings and that when people use the term gay in a negative way, it hurt my feelings and his uncle’s feelings too. He was completely confused at this point and wanted to know why, if we were a girl and a boy that loved each other, would we be hurt if people used the word gay as an insult. I tried to explain to him, as I have tried to explain to him since he was 3 or 4, that it is ok to love whomever you love, be it a boy or a girl and that his uncle and I don’t think it is ever ok to put someone down or hurt someone’s feelings. I tried to explain that this issue is so important to us that we are refusing to get married until all people in this country can do so, in the hopes that he and the rest of our nephews will have a much easier time having their choice of partners be accepted than we did when we were growing up. I tried my best to reassure my nephew that what the kid on the bus was saying was wrong and that he was welcome to talk to us or his parents about how it made him feel.

Finally, he asked me how the word gay could be used in a positive way. I gave him the two best examples I could think of at the time. I said, “Well, if you are talking about your male cousin, in a positive way, you could say that he is gay because he loves boys.” Even though this is at least the second time I’ve told the kids this, the eldest still expressed surprise, perhaps because since they have been old enough to pay any attention to their family member’s partners, my cousin has been single. My second example was, “If you are having a really good time, then you could say that you are having a gay time.”

Not missing a beat, he quipped back, “Well, can I say that I’m having a gay time now and it would be positive?” To that I responded, “Are you having a good time now?” When he said, “No. Not really.” I laughed a little and said that if he wasn’t having a good time right now than it probably wasn’t the most positive use of the word; however we wanted him and his brothers, whom I assumed were ignoring me, to know, that while some people don’t think it is ok to be gay think, it is perfectly fine in our eyes for them to love whomever they want, whenever they want.

I’m not sure how much of this conversation the kids understood.

Shortly after making that point, the car ride was interrupted with the unexpected surprise that we probably didn’t have enough gas to get to our destination as well as my need to give pesky directions since we dared to travel without a GPS. The gay conversation seemed to be over, for now and as far as I know, did not come up again during the reunion.

The car ride home was full of such deep philosophical questions as, “If you could be any superhero in the world, who would it be?” and “If you could be any animal in the world, what would you be?” Although three of the four kids fiercely protested that they weren’t tired at all when we got in the car, all of them were sound asleep before answering both of the questions. One of our nephews even fell asleep in the middle of telling us why he would be either a land turtle or a sea turtle.

My god I love our nephews!