I’m Grateful for This Much…

I meant to have this posted by Thanksgiving but somehow something absconded with the time I planned to write this…the little thief! But I am slowly learning that every day is a good day to give thanks for something, so maybe it’s ok that this wasn’t posted sooner.

Anyway, to borrow a phrase from a very dear friend, I would like to take some time out of my shock and anger about my diagnoses, and sometimes my life in general to remind myself that, “I am grateful for this much”:

For each day, no matter how much of a struggle it is for me, that I have another chance to be alive, to see the beauty in this world and to be given the chance to grow stronger as I grapple with that which is painful, or difficult or even ugly in this world.

For my partner who supports me, both emotionally and in many ways, financially, and has no resentment about bearing the largest brunt of our financial burdens as I focus on healing instead of finding a job…who stands by my side and tries to understand my pain as if it were his own…who accompanies me to doctor’s appointments and reassures me that this is not all in my head, not something I did wrong.

I am grateful for my partner who, too many times, stands in my shadow, as I focus so much on what is wrong with me, on my problems and my issues. And I forget, sometimes momentarily, sometimes for weeks, that we are in this together and that I am worthy of his love.

For my five nephews, who forget, each time that I see them, that I am in chronic pain. While their head-butts in my back, fierce hugs around my waist or their desires to bounce up and down on my lap (and press against my bladder) are painful, it also reminds me that they see me as their Aunt Elizabeth Goddess, whom they love with all their pure hearts, not as someone who is riddled with problems and somehow untouchable.

I am grateful for two incredible friends who meet me for dinner and listened with their hearts as I told them little bits of how I, how my partner and I, are struggling through this. And I am grateful that they shared with me what is going on in their lives, their struggles and their joys instead of focusing solely on what is wrong with me and how it fix it. Their trust and their sharing helped me feel human and loved, not diseased and shunned.

For my dear friend who shares deeply of her struggles to be where my partner is now…the one who is not diagnosed with a medical problem but still bears the undiagnosed and all too often overlooked burden of inner pain…of bearing the brunt of a partner’s pain and rage…of our distancing and diminishing intimacy…our withdrawal and blame and our sometimes selfish refusal to hear about anyone else’s day…or sometimes even our refusal to listen to our partner’s dreams and fears because we hurt too damn much to care about anything else. I am grateful that she has helped me to see what my partner struggles with and has helped me find my courage to ask him when I don’t know what is going on inside his heart and head.

I am grateful for the silent prayers to a god I don’t know that I believe in but are absolutely a reflection of my friends’ faith and their deep love for me. And hey, prayers and blessings on my behalf sent out to the universe aren’t going to make me any worse!

For my family, who struggle, each in their own way, to understand what I am dealing with…who try to understand “the sudden onset” or why I kept all of these problems to myself for so long…who struggle with whatever my problems stir up for them…who struggle with the right thing to say or do…who have to learn how to live with a whole lot more, “No I can’t do that” instead of the familiar, “Yes, I can help you out with that.”

For my dear friend in Chicago whom I didn’t know was reading my blog and called me, when I was at one of my lowest of low points, to see how I was doing…as he has called me at many other low points, without even knowing it, to see how I am and to let me know that he cares about me and our friendship.

I am grateful for friends who set aside time in their busy lives to call me, text me, e-mail me to “check-in” and see how I’m doing…for friends who take a day off of work so we can get together and talk and cry and remember why we are dear friends in the first place.

For my dear friend and the blessing of her financial generosity…for showing me how to humbly “not block a blessing.”

For the compassion of a friend, whose partner also reached out with love and wisdom, to teach me another set of skills in taking care of my little girl…the one who is so loved and so perfect and is waiting for me to bring her into my heart and love her as every child deserves to be loved.

I am grateful for the waitress who repeatedly asks the chef what is in every entrée I think of ordering and then, with the cook, manages to find a way to prepare Shrimp Scampi in a way that I can eat it and is delicious…and for the waitress after her who was just as patient and understanding of my dietary constraints, despite the number of tables she had to wait on.

For my gynecologist who set all of this in motion, by believing me and referring me to others when she did not have the answers that I needed.

For my therapist who sees me for less money an hour than people who work at McDonalds make…for her strength and her belief in me and for all the deep personal work she did to even be able to get to a place where she could help me and guide me into the gentle, yet long neglected art of caring for myself.

I am grateful for my Pelvic Pain Doctor (who really does look like Santa) and his staff who are overwhelmed with work and responsibilities and the pain and fear of many patients, but still do their best to give me the time I need to answer my questions, to quell my fears and address my concerns each week…and most of all, for believing me in the first place!

For my Physical Therapist, who, after listening to my history, thanked me for trusting her enough to share so much of my life story with her. I am grateful for every visit with her because she takes the time to make her room a healing room…a safe place…for encouraging me to be gentle with myself and my lover. She encourages me to find my own voice and assert my rights to everyone, including her, as well as reminding me, several times in each visit, that I am the one in charge here and we will do what I want when I want it and nothing more. I also appreciate her efforts to discuss how all of this impacts our relationship (between myself and her, between myself and my partner and between the three of us and the rest of my treatment team) as well as what my lover and I can do to deepen our intimacy and connection without having intercourse.

For being able to get “charity care coverage” through my local hospital, which covers my physical therapy and for the woman in charge of the program, who always treats me with respect, not like a poor person who is unworthy of her time.

I am grateful for the endless pharmacists and techs I talked to in search of the cheapest med prices, many of whom gave me priceless tips and saved me so much time and money, in addition to treating me like a human being.

For the pharmacists at Kmart who are the kindest, most compassionate pharmacists I’ve ever had the honor of meeting.

I never in my life thought I would say this, but I am grateful to the big pharmaceutical companies, Johnson and Johnson and Lilly for recognizing that I am too broke to afford the medications I need and are covering three of them 100%.

I am grateful for Snowball, who is destined to become the next Velveteen Rabbit, because over the 20 plus years she’s been by my side, I’ve managed to pick out most of her fur, smother her in snot and tears, throw her carelessly on the floor in the midst of a bad dream or a hopefully good lay and she never complains about being naked or cold or used as a panacea.

For those who read my blog and offer me feedback and let me know that one of my remaining sources of comfort makes a difference in your life too.

Finally, some days, I am grateful for these struggles…for the ways in which they have broken me down, made me re-assess what I believed to be true about this world, about love and friendship and about my own self worth. And I am grateful for the light of hope, even when it is as dim as a dying firefly, that I will emerge a stronger, more compassionate and gentler person who is even more in love with her partner, her friends and family and the world she too often bitterly shuns.