My Angry Bladder, Part Two

The feelings of a burning urethra and an angry, recently penetrated bladder are generally too uncomfortable for me to drive the half hour or so home. So after I pay “Missy” my $30 for this incredibly fun procedure, and schedule a time to do it again the following week, I usually end up driving 5 minutes to the new shopping center near Dr. E’s office (where I now know exactly where all the bathrooms are in ever store I go in and how clean they usually are!)

There I try to distract myself from my burning urethra and overwhelming need to pee by furtively browsing racks of things I can’t afford or by buying trinkets and baubles and sometimes Christmas gifts. I know I will return many of the things I bought the following week after my next bladder instillation, when the guilt of how much I spent overwhelms me, or I find something even better to purchase. It’s becoming a vicious cycle!

When my hour and a half is finally over, or when I can’t stand the suspense any longer (usually around an hour and fifteen minutes later), I wield my shopping cart like a deadly weapon in an ungraceful shuffle-sprint to the nearest bathroom. After carefully lining the seat with toilet paper or the tissue paper seat protectors (the fear of bathroom diseases my grandmother instilled in me as a kid still lives on, and quite possibly lead to my MPH…but who knows about that last one?), I carefully plop myself on the seat and blessedly, gratefully, sometimes almost orgasmically, release my pent up, medicated urine.

Often I want to moan with pleasure as I profusely thank my bladder for holding on this long instead of seeking revenge by saturating my sweatpants with pee in the middle of the shoe aisle. I am always grateful when I am the only one in the bathroom, in case a moan or two really does slip out. As I sit there, I try to ignore the rageful indignation of my urethra, which is either on fire or bubbling out excess air from the injection, or both. The first time I felt this bubbling sensation, I thought I was farting from my urethra and I debated calling the doctor’s office while still sitting on the throne. I had no idea what to do and no one told me to expect this! Maybe something else was wrong with me and I should get it looked at right away, when I was only five minutes away!

Somehow, I gathered my wits about me, I think it was shortly after I finally stopped peeing, and realized it was probably just air bellowing its way out of my urethra, and while it wasn’t a sensation I was used to, not much of my new life felt normal to me anymore! Finally, after every fantastic post-bladder-instillation-release, I dry myself off, pull my sweat pants back up, wash my hands and leave the bathroom, knowing full well I’ll need another one (or the same one) within the next 30-45 minutes!

Since I am constantly learning about my issues, this week I learned that one of the side effects of bladder instillations are bladder spasms. I learned this three days ago when an invisible stabbing knife slashed its way through my bladder while I was at home urinating. The pain was crazy intense and out of nowhere. It also stopped as soon as I was finished peeing and didn’t return until after my bladder treatment yesterday. I asked Susan about this and she said that it was “normal” and that they probably should have started me on Pyridium prior to any bladder work.

Apparently this is a medication to numb the bladder and the urethra from the trauma of having things shoved inside them. Who knew? I certainly didn’t.

Susan was willing to write me a scipt for either 100 mg or 200mg, because one of the things I’ve learned very quickly through all of this is the massive price variations in medications. She also told me there was non-prescription stuff I could buy that would work just as well. And the perk of this medicine, in addition to numbing areas that shouldn’t need to be numbed, depending on what I take, my urine will turn either bright orange, red or blue (how psychedelic!) and it absolutely cannot be taken for more than two days. She advised me to see which option was best for me and to make sure that I took a dose before next week’s assault, err, treatment.

I admit, I left the office skeptical about taking one more friggin’ med to fix a medication I am already taking and that damn stabbing pain only happened once. Nevertheless, I drove over to the Target (the one in my weekly shopping center, because I wanted to buy Chutes and Ladders, for myself, thank-you very much! And make some returns..again). The incredibly helpful pharmacist looked up how much it would cost for 12 pills in each strength and also showed me where the non-prescription stuff was. I thanked her for her time and still did not see my problem as worthy of $4 for a prescription or $6 something for 30ish Azo pills.

Nevertheless, I had some time to kill before I could pee and I wandered the store until I got tired of listening to all the people complaining about putting off their holiday shopping. As I was headed to the check out, the pharmacist actually met me in the aisle and handed me a bag with her card in it, a coupon for a $10 gift card if I chose to get that, or any other prescription filled there, a list of their generic drugs and the cost of each and two Hershey’s chocolates. I was so surprised by her generosity; I think I got misty eyed. I doubt I will forget that act of kindness!

Still, I did some more browsing, shopping, returning until it was finally time to pee in the usually clean Christmas Tree Shop bathrooms and I left for therapy unconvinced that I needed the medication. I remained unconvinced until after my partner and I finished dinner. I was standing up near the table when that damn knife of pain struck again, momentarily blacking out my vision and causing me to fumble for the table, the chair, a unicorn to support me. With tremendous concern, my partner asked me what just happened. I told him I wasn’t quite sure but I think it was a bladder cramp (that was the word the nurse used) and it really fucking hurt!

The pain spread and intensified and I decided it was time for a trip either to the Walmart or Rite Aid pharmacy, after I peed (which, this time did not really lessen the pain) and before they closed. It was too late at 8:30 pm to get a prescription, since my nurse wrote down what I needed and told me to shop around, so we decided to go to Rite Aid and beg the pharmacist for help right before they closed.

The kindly gentleman who was working there listened to me prattle about pain in my urethra and IC and a catheter and burning and I knew I wasn’t making sense to myself, but he was able to show me my two options and he assured me that it would turn my urine orange and it would numb the pain. I grabbed the store brand, exclaimed, “God Bless you! Merry Christmas!” and hobbled to the cashier as quickly as a wounded turtle.

I wanted to pop the pills right there but they need to be taken with food (Damn it! And I’m not supposed to be throwing chocolate candy bars down my throat for nourishment!!). I waited until I got home (and peed again-even though it hadn’t been more than 20 minutes since the last time I peed) before scarfing something, I don’t even remember what it was, and tossing too oddly colored red pills down my throat.

My partner encouraged me to lay down on the sofa with my heating pad and Thomas, my cat who will rarely leave me alone when I am on the sofa. We had planned to do the vaginal stretches that evening and after a while, I groggily and with increasing nausea, got up, took the rest of my night time meds and went to bed where we could begin the stretching.

The candles were lit, the mood was soothing, my partner was so gentle and I felt so sick I needed him to stop after a mere few minutes. I was sound asleep by 10:30 pm with a heating pad on my bladder to help quell the pain!

When I woke up around 2:30 am I forgot all about the pills I took and couldn’t figure out why the hell the toilet paper was sunshine yellow and the toilet water was Easter egg orange. I thought it was a dream and I went back to bed. When it happened again, a few hours later, I had to show my partner because I couldn’t believe what I was seeing (yes, we’ve reached that stage in our relationship, for many reasons, most of which began two months ago!). He was just as stunned as I was! I went back to bed, grateful yet again that I didn’t have to call out of work as the pain in my bladder twisted its wrath, bubbled its pain and serrated its frustration on my already battered body.

When I awoke for good, and all day, my angry bladder has been dying the inside of our toilet bowl varying shades of orange and yellow, the color, I guess, depends upon the strength of the medicine still inside me. And I’m supposed to do this again tomorrow and for the remaining two bladder instillations?

Wow, I used to think my life was so dull…now it’s almost Technicolor!